This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
