Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
