I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
