Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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