he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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