no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
