I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
