I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
