so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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