fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My balls are so social today.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Randomize
