Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
wow bdsm is so cute
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
