My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I wear drunk well.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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