I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
