Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
