Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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