i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
