They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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