last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
