You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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