grandma shit on top of the toilet
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
