It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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