am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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