You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
