you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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