Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
