i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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