Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
