i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The Olympian is in my bed
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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