I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
