can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
