A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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