happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
