Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
