Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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