allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
