Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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