dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
