My underwear smells like fireworks.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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