i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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