If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
