see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
