good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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