he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
