How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
