Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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