Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
