Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
