The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
