the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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