Your dad touched me again.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
